f*ck! (and i am sorry for offending anyone with such vulgar opening.)
why am i so god damn negative? i am so pessimistic it's almost masochistic. i have no life in me, there is nothing i smile about, there is nothing worth smiling about. happy people make me sick.
and the most optimistic person, you, are the most disgusting of them all.
i wonder where my negativety is coming from? hmmm... me? oh, i guess i'm part of it. but why? well, there's you. maybe i'm wrong, but aren't you the cause for me being so negative? because i think about you, i get depressed and negative? huh? i want to blame this depression on you. because of your constant yelling, your persistance for me to change my views... because i'm so f*cking attached to you.
but i can't.
though you've chastised me like a kid, though you've pissed me off more times than i'd like, i can't blame it on you. i am pissed though; for all the times i've yelled at you because you agitated me. but what an ass i can be. i mean, you can be so damn annoying about things... but you were only trying to help.
i don't mean to hurt you, i don't mean to piss you off, too. i just don't know who i am becoming. i'm so lifeless it's scary. don't you remember the happy me? the mai you used to know? the mai you're used to seeing? don't you remember? that is how you remember me, right? of course. but if you could only see me now... hollow eyes, no color in my emotions, let alone any emotion in me at all. well, not the happy ones, i guess. yeah, if only you could see it.
i remember how i was, how i used to be. good times... never to repeat itself again.
but if you back out on me, too... well, then... i really am good as dead. i know i give you shit and you give me shit and life shits on everyone. but if you go, too, i don't know what to do... even more so than now.
i am broken.
you have to remember how to put me back together.
because i don't.
don't go... please stay and help.
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